Monthly insights via Artemis Assessment & Treatment Centre Director/ADHD Coach Tara Carman-French GRIEF: A Natural Response To Diagnosis
It is never too late to get diagnosed. Often, in my work with my older clients, we work through the stages of grief. Grief is actually more complex than the “stages of grief” would have us believe. Individuals may move back and forth through different stages, they may skip some altogether, or they may have a completely different experience of the emotion. However, I have seen a pattern similar to the stages of grief in my older clients specifically, and in some cases, in the parents of younger clients. Older clients have usually travelled through the denial phase, which is how they came to be diagnosed. Post-diagnosis, some clients are still in denial. Not about having the disorder, but about how the disorder disrupts their life. They have difficulty pulling apart ADHD from their personality. Historically, ADHD has been seen as a personality disorder, and older clients may have internalized this understanding and struggle to free themselves from the firm understanding that they are somehow simply “bad” rather than someone who has a brain that works differently. Parents of children with ADHD may not accept this idea either. It can be difficult to understand that the child that is still not cleaning their room, still not doing their homework, still telling tales, still fighting with them, is not doing it because they are defiant or lazy, but due to a lack of dopamine in their brain, which is the main neurotransmitter involved in ADHD. Dopamine is released when you complete a task. It produces feelings of satisfaction and motivation. This neurotransmitter also helps control mood, memory, sleep, learning, and concentration, among other things. Many older clients become angry at their parents, caregivers, teachers, and sometimes even themselves. If only they had been diagnosed earlier, then their life would have been so much different. It can be difficult to move beyond this stage when looking over all of the possible losses in life due to remaining undiagnosed for so long. Parents often internalize the anger because they didn’t see or understand the signs of ADHD, and they are afraid their children suffered unduly. Their children are often simply happy to be fully understood and seen today. Their homes stop being places of warfare and transform to places of understanding, acceptance, and support. Then we enter the “What if I…” phase of bargaining. This is usually when clients and parents of clients begin to try to find ways to make the disorder go away. What if I remove Red Dye #5 from their diet? What if I just try harder? What if I take this supplement? Sure, some of these “what if’s” may help some symptoms of ADHD, but the underlying disorder is not going to go away. Also, some of these interventions may help in the short-term, but the likelihood of long-term change is extraordinarily minimal. The depression phase is usually short lived and goes along with the bargaining phase. As each different intervention is attempted or discussed, and if no change is found, a moment of sadness often occurs. It is difficult to accept that you or your loved one is neurodiverse. It means that many things in life may need to change. It means that accommodations must be made. Life will be different. But I can assure you that, with acceptance, life is better. All brains are created differently. Read that again. ALL BRAINS ARE CREATED DIFFERENTLY. None of us like the exact same foods, music, clothing, room temperature. All of us are different. Neurodiversity is what makes life interesting. It is not all negative. Apple understood this when it used the phrase “Think Different” in its marketing. We neurodiverse individuals, we think outside the box. Sometimes, far outside the box, and that is what can make us incredibly successful. Even if we are not successful in the ways that society may deem important, we are often extraordinarily happy in our small, personal worlds. For most of us, happiness is the bottom line of what we want for ourselves and our loved ones. Acceptance of who we are and how our brains work and leaning into our difference is a definitive step towards achieving that happiness goal. A
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