Improving Child/Parent Relationships Via ADHD

Keith Carman – Chief Administrative Coordinator
 
I know what you’re thinking:
 
“ADHD improving a relationship? It’s not possible. This guy’s off his rocker.”
 
Believe it or not, it’s true. Depending on how you approach the situation, naturally.
 
Stories of parents having their children assessed only to realize that they themselves should be tested because “things are ringing all too true” abound. What a lot of folks don’t touch on is that the bond between an ADHD child and an ADHD parent post-diagnosis can actually become stronger.
 
Let’s look at it in this context: Jimmy has been driving me nuts. He won’t focus, he never seems to be hearing what I’m saying, and don’t even think about a list of chores. He’ll be lucky to get through the first one before plodding back to ask what’s next. Ok, he was assessed, and it’s ADHD. Now I know what I’m dealing with.
 
Yet, everything that was driving me around the bend with Jimmy also seems to apply to my life. Nobody understands me. I have my system, and it works for me, even if nobody else gets it or thinks it’s counterproductive and messy. Why do I always fade out during meetings? What was that bunch of items my partner asked me to pick up on the way home? Gosh, I heard the first thing, but I was so focused on ensuring I got it and didn’t forget at all that the rest of what they were saying became a blur of noise like Charlie Brown’s teacher.
 
Wait a minute. If I took every one of those points and put them into my child’s life/situation/head, maybe I do understand them on a new level.
 
When we parents take the onus and find answers to our own concerns, we can…relate. To our children. What a concept.
 
Suddenly, we have ways of understanding what they’re facing. How they don’t want to blank out when given a page of chores. How they really do want to succeed, but everything feels like an uphill battle. Kind of like trying to get to work on time, clean the house, pay bills, cut the lawn, take care of fazed-out kids, and the other million things we parents must tackle weekly. Yet, it’s all so much, and we don’t know where to start, so we just sit and do absolutely nothing while the pile of anxiety gets bigger and bigger. It’s just in their life context.
 
Instead of hollering, punishing, or getting exasperated, we can support them—and vice versa—because we get it. And the more we get them, the more they get us. When their ADHD feels as though it’s too tough to overcome, getting in the way of success or just generally beating them down, we can encourage; be the example to say, “I know it feels like this is a mountain, but look at my life. I made it into a molehill. Let’s tackle it together and get to the next ‘mountain.’ Maybe you can even help me with what I think is my next ‘mountain’ since you get what’s going on in my head.”
 
Sometimes, even more importantly, we can also call one another out when ADHD is being used as a crutch, deterrent or outright excuse. The veil is lifted, removing any chance to hide behind the easy (yet flimsy) “ADHD won’t let me” defense. So, you went to the easy task first, and now you’re behind on the truly important thing, huh? Sounds like someone let their ADHD steer the ship. Who’s playing video games instead of cleaning the bathroom: you or ADHD? We KNOW what it’s like to feel that way. Due to more life experience, we have the resources to overcome it, and we can call foul when it just seems easier to blame neurodivergence than grab those bootstraps.
 
It might not always be a cakewalk, but by offering understanding, support and accountability due to having the same life passenger in our heads, yes, we can actually improve child/parent relationships via ADHD.